Thursday, 24 September 2009
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College
I have to admit that when I was looking for a college I didn't think that I wanted to go to a Christian college, esp. a hardcore Christian college like Grove City College. I really just wanted a college where I could play video games and have an easy time in classes.
When Mr. Bowditch aske me what I was looking for in a college, I lied. I said a small school, maybe Christian, but Rutgers is definitely on the list. He actually recommended the school I am attending. The beautiful campus and really affordable price made me want to come here. I never thought I'd make it in.
I got here, and I realized there is A LOT of work. It's not busy work. I feel like I'm the stupidest one in class sometimes. I'm always behind and there's a quiz every day.
Also, there is no diversity here (as in race). I feel like a lot of my English teachers give me wierd looks because I'm a korean girl majoring in English. They also assume that, because I have a Korean name, I'm from Korea... I'm totally Korean-American. In fact, I identify myself first as American, not Korean. It's frustrating when some teachers are extremely stereotypical to the point of being racist. For example, in public speaking, we have to give resident expert speeches. I wanted to do it on the cello. I presented this topic to be approved, and she forced me to write a speech about the differences in Korean and American culture. I told her that I was born and raised HERE. fucking racist bitch. I seriously can't do anything though because she's also my asian lit teacher, and I'm going to have to take several of her husband's classes in the future as well.
The environment here has really made me doubt myself as an English major... I seriously thought of just transfering to Rutgers and screwing it all. It seems lately all of my doubts are being taken away--not by attending church but by attending Campus Crusade. The speaker addressed the issue of believing our problems to be greater than God. He also said that we need to stop diminishing ourselves--calling ourselves losers. God sent his son to die for us, and we accepted his grace. Why would He save losers? For the first time, I heard someone say that we shouldn't be groveling fools 24/7 but confident sons and daughters of God. I guess it was what I needed to hear. The speaker said that those who wanted to stay afterwards to pray should if they were moved by the Holy Spirit. I felt like I should've stayed, but I chickened out... surprise, surprise. Also, I came w/ a friend, but that's just a stupid excuse.
So moral of the story: God died to save me. I'm not a stupid loser. OK... so all that's left is to live w/ confidence. Yeah... easier said than done.
I forget where I heard this quote. It reverberated some deep unnatural notes from my heartstrings: "How did you spend your time today? You were dying for that."
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From The Yellow Room
By Yiruma
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